So how exactly does one go about reinventing themselves? Is it a ground-up ordeal? Do I start from the bare bones of my otherwise non-existent life? Do I strip it down to the studs and start from the foundation? Because if that’s the case, there isn’t much to go on… I’ve given up everything I really liked or found enjoyment in… And outside of work and the limited resources I have at my disposal for pleasure, my time is dedicated to binge watching TV and sequestering myself away in my room to read. I am a 32 year old female adult drifting aimlessly into the ether like a ghost. I have alienated my friends and I have an estranged relationship with my family. My history is littered with abandon plans and half-truths. I have a paralyzing self-esteem problem. My body is a loathe and foreign entity to which I am prisoner and the mirror is my enemy. But, my mind is sick and I am sick of being an invalid. I want to get better and that means living better. That means actually living. I once thought it was a foregone conclusion that my life was over before it started…
But now I think I am on a precipice, an empty car longing for an epic and fulfilling road trip – all I need to do is fill up. But that’s the real issue here, what exactly do I fill up with? I mean I’m not a car and I obviously don’t need gas. If only it were that simple. But I guess I need to figure out what gas means in the metaphorical sense. I need to find things to feed my soul. All around me I see people happy doing everyday things, can I be one of these people? Can I join the masses of carefree people living life to the fullest?
If my life were a movie this would be the part where some cliche pump up song would come on like, “Eye of the Tiger,”… And there would be a montage of the lead character doing life-altering things like learning to cook and doing yoga or volunteering or learning to dance or, hey, maybe even learning a new language or going out on an actual date. And, if my life were a movie I’d hope they’d cast someone like Ali Larter Kirsten Bell to play me. But since my life is not a movie, there will be no montage and there will be no super hip and chic actress playing me in a role as if all has already been said and done… And the audience was only an hour away from credits rolling and everything would suddenly be happy-go-lucky and resolved and my life would be tied up neatly and tidily with perfect packaging and a silver bow to boot.
So bear with me here, we are going on a journey, that will be one day at a time. We are going on an adventure that will be rough and arduous and entertaining and confusing. I don’t know myself at the moment nor do I like myself. So, we are going on a mission of rebirth. We are going on a search and rescue. No, scratch that. I am going on a mission. I am going on a solo journey in which I will find who I am and who I could be, want to be, will be. I am going on a journey, are you down for the ride?
One Day at a Time 