Choices. Reasons. They go hand-in-hand. We are all faced with choices, both big and small throughout life. We all have reasons for making the choices we inevitably decide to make. Sometimes they are easy, but more often than not they are incredibly hard and can lead to regret and second-guessing.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been burdened with a need, a compulsion, an addiction, to please those around me. Sacrificing my own needs or desires to ensure the happiness of those in my life. That has always come first and foremost-and at great sacrifice. I have sacrificed my own health and peace of mind. Actually, that’s not true. There are really only two people that I’ve wanted nothing more than to impress and make happy. And those two people are dear to my heart. A heart they have broken time and time again. My whole life I’ve been waiting for my parents validation. I have waited for them to tell me I’m doing something right; that I’m doing anything right. I’m still waiting, still trying. Years and years have passed, and the more I search for the secrets that will somehow unlock my parents love, the farther I slip down a black hole. The farther I get from their grasp, the more I find myself struggling – trying to swim against the tide and getting sucked under. I feel as if there is a noose around my neck, and the more I struggle against it, the more it tightens. The more I want them to fight for me, it becomes more prevalent that they might actually be fighting against me. Those two people have yet to reach in, grab me, and pull me back from the abyss. Yet, I’m still clawing ferociously to keep my head above ground and gain their support.
At this point, I realize I’m basically waiting for pigs to fly. What would their validation prove to me anyways? They are just two people, who have made many, many mistakes in life on their own. They are not perfect; they do not have all the answers. Their validation would merely be a pat on the back, a useless thumbs up. It would not gain me entry into some super exclusive club in which a new life awaits me. Sure, it would be nice to have their support and their love and their guidance. However, there comes a time when you must accept you don’t always get what you want in life. And in order to have a life worth living, I must actually be alive. That requires a few key components… physical health, peace of mind, and genuine happiness. All things that I inexplicably exchanged for my unless crusade to win my parents affection.
Time to throw up my white flag. Cease fire. I have been killing myself to fight an uphill battle.
I choose to stop fighting for their approval. My reasoning is simple: I’m dying to be happy, but it’s time I make me happy.
